Age

So we all turn old and then we die. The object of age signifies the diminishing value we have in life as well as the amount of time left to achieve whats deemed as perfect and do as much as we can to get that ticket to heaven when we meet the Big guy.

So what does age remind us of what does it mean? Does age give you an excuse to forget certain things, to run slower or even have poorer memory or a bad temper. Does age in a way earn you a right to do certain things youthful commoners cant do? We give each other a timeline and we predict certain forthcomings without knowing why. We choose to believe that at a ceratin age, we become too old for something or too unfit.We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing. Just because we choose to believe that at 50 we'll be sick and at 70 we will die doesn mean that we become unfit. The mind becomes unfit. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you dont mind, it doesn matter. Dont u think?

The object of age does not suggest who is more mature. In my humble opinion, its but just a number to distract what you think you can do. Ok at 15 you get ur ic, at 18 you go the army and at 21 you drive a car and at 30 you probably get married. Its all a notice thing, like warnings when you dun hand in your homework or a grumbling stomach when you miss out on lunch.

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young and by doing that, we deserve a little credit for staying young.

I do not think that it suggests how mature or wise you get. Your life experience suggests that. Like mentioned before, it is not the length of life, but its depth. HOw much you gain in the shortest amount of time is also of greta essence. In a man that has had his whole life planned out and fed with a silver spoon , we might see lesser wisdom and maturity as compared to a teenager who has had to live in an environment where poverty is rife. Correct me if im wrong, but the age is no enigma. It is what you make it to be.

Age is getting to know all the ways the world turns, so that if you cannot turn the world the way you want, you can at least, get out of the way so you won't get run over. Yes that is what age is about, to keep learning. Theminute we choose to stop learning is the time we get older and older. everyday we learn it is a process all the way till you die.

Enjoy.

I will embark on a 10 episode story on this blog site. Well, either ten or more. Its not set. I have not tried something as such before so do not expect too much. I have had two stories in mind and have yet to choose one. The first is prob an epic love story between two ppl in Paris who never realise each others existence until their fate entangles for them to meet in the worst way. The second is a story between two best friends who are expert thieves. Things get in the way and they begin to lose trust. I'd need some votes if it isn too much of a hassle. Thank you.

Enigma

In this life, we do all we can to impress and we do all we can to be remembered by a certain action. It is often said that for 100 good things we do and one bad thing we commit, we are remembered for that one bad thing. The mentality of man was such that one could not have everything. Sometimes no matter how hard you wish to try, you are just unable to please everyone.

And in this life, we try our best to be the best people while some of us choose to be the people that will do or become anyting as long as it is to their advantage. All our life, we try to create a legacy or even a memory to be remembered, to make or please people. Yet in this life, with birth, we forget there eventually comes death. A famous lawyer in his time, Albert Pike once said, "What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal."

We may choose to be selfish in life to create a legacy for the next generation or we can be an example and do things for others. People remember death as not how one died but as how one lived.

In this life, we try too hard to hold on to things that are meant to slip past. We all have different rationales for our existence and we live throughout these very principles. whether or not that should be corrected by influence or not remains ambiguous. But life as it is isnt meant to be for yourself but for something else and that itself is an enigma. I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Simplistically, we do not need to know the reason for life or how it is played. We treasure the people we have and we try our best to make everyone happy. Its not the right to life but a way of life.

Anyone can make an influence, it is not the length of life, but the depth of life.

Enjoy.

Spoilt brats?

It occurs to me how much all of us want a certain something or someone at times. We commit to all costs concerned just fir plain materialism or satisfaction.

I grew up never knowing what it was like having a father and a mother under one roof. And for a much ascertain period of time, i spent my childhood hating my father insisting that i din wan a surname as such. IN a way, it was childish but childish beared with alot of hate.I grew up as a boy that knew could get the latest car or action figure if i just open my mouth. I grew up as a teen knowing i could get the coolest shoes or the most expensive of soccer boots. The only way my mother could show she cared and loved me was to spend on me. Not that it was her fault. WE all have obstacles, ups and downs, its just that we need to learn to get up time after time sometimes on our own. Thats how the people up there made it.

I learnt the value of spending with absolutely no consideration for the value of saving. As i paced down the streets of hong kong, i stared down at my father who wore shoes that belonged to my half brother, i turned to my friend and saw he got new shoes, i thought back home of the pairs and pairs of shoes i had back home. That was the story, that my father who catered the cost of my travel fare and expenditure didn even bear to get shoes for himself.

Of course, its argueable that you can pay them back and that you ought to. But thats not it isnt it? Luckily for me, i have worked and i know how sucky it is to earn little and spend so much. People, im your average teen that also enjoys looking good. What we buy comes out of our parents unless you work of course. But think for a while, do they do their shopping, do you realy need what you want.

My mother taught me to spend on whats worth without hesitation in my early part of childhood, with her gone now, my father teaches me to save on whats worth without hesitation. I may not have had the best parents in the world, but it does make a whole lotta difference. I was never ashamed of my parents no matte rwhat they did, i learnt.

JF kennedy once said:
" Its not what the country can do for you , but what you can do for the country"

Similarly, its not how much your parents can afford to accommodate your materialism but how much you can offer them in filial piety. I went around searching for answers and whats not, but i was left to no avail. You cant find whats not there. So dont bother looking. What you have is the present, and what you have at present, is now.

Money is sure as hell easy to spend, but goddamn tough to save.

Night

People, its been a trying period for myself and i think i've finally convinced myself that there must be a closure to it all. I keep my mother close to my heart and my defeat as nothing but a passing reminder to only make me stronger. Before i" embark" on a new entry, i'd like to thank every one who still continues to read and tag. Its been more of my pleasure than yours.

Till death do us part

What strong words that we hold for the people that we love. I as a kid never understood the basis of love and yet questioned myself if i knew what i was saying when i said those three words to my parents every night before i slept. I had yet to know what those words meant. A little too late but its after shes gone that i realise what this overwhelming feelin is about. But better than never i guess.

They both(parents) became part of me. My dad , Alex Choy was an outstanding graduate in business from London. A man with a big heart but also a big ego. He loved his family although he wasn very good at articulating that. Anyhow, my dad ventured into business that he was never familiar with. I think at the age of 6 or 7, i was living a life of luxury from some export business he was doing based on oranges. Yes, the ones we eat. We made a fortune and i remember significantly how very rich we were. My father was a man who knew lots and lots of things through libraries of books and an admirable inquisitivity for anything in the world. For a man that knew nothing about fruits and earn big bucks, he immediately became my man to look up to. His only flaw, was a bad bad temper. Nooone is perfect but i remember the times where we;d get scolded for almost nothing and yet almost everything if you know what i mean. A loving father he was, but an angry man with a huge load of pressure would also be apt. I think it was 4 or 5 years later that my father went bankrupt after specualting in shares. Well thats the past. My dad is now a boss of a candy business where he acts as sole distributor in malaysia and has also expanded his business in both singapore and hong kong. As far as i remember, i never had lunch with my father and mother together. You see, they were divorced shortly after i came to disrupt this place that we call earth. Arh, My mother.

Shirley Thong, a woman loved by many. They said my mom was a genius, creative, funny and yet such an attractive woman in so many many ways. Well, it took me right to the end to find out how she was like. After she passed on, i heard stories from her friends of how beautiful a person she was. You see, my mother's furthest education was Pre-u. She left to work in a hotel as a mintime manager or something like that. I remember her telling me she was once a journalist in her time for a chinese newspaper. BUt that was before her years in the hotel line. She excelled in her work and in no time she became a general manager for what they call troublesuites, that is what they call hotel doctors. She'd be transferred to anyhotel under CDL that had problems in revenue. Anyhow, my mother also totally disregarded the fact that there were so many religions. She told me that there was no need to fight because the world is unison. She felt universally religious so to speak, as if there was one fair God. She knew about Christ, Allah, Buddhism and also the mostly talked about Sathya Sai BaBa. She, too loved her family but only managed to articulate that through spending on us because of her hectic work schedule. My mother was diagnosed with cancer some years back but never gave up, she refused to back down and doctors told me she hung on longer than any doctor would have expected by a few years. A few days before she left, i asked, " are u going Home" she smiled and pointed at my heart. Home is where ur heart makes it and somehow my mother is in my heart for always.

Why am i broadcasting my parents here some of you may wonder. Well because they have become a part of me and ithink i must have a closure to all that i have been feeling through out these 3 days spent aloneher in KL. People, trust me when i say family is the only real thing you have around you. I don no tdoubt the power of friendships but i believe in the definite power of family. As far as i remember, i never reallyhad a complete one for five minutes but that din matter cause they were around me somehow.

Love is something so different. It exists so differently when you have it and when you dont. Sure it can be about your spouse, your dog or your favourite movie. But when ur in it, u dont seem to cherish it as much when you do have it. This is my closure. I apologise for my emotional stints over the past few days. It has taken me a while to get over the fact shes gone. That night, i though it was her and hell for five secs, maybe it was!

I never forgot that smile or my fathers words. I dont forget them and i dun think thats ever possible. Till death do us part...

Enjoy.

And then we embraced and i felt her once again. It felt the same but it wasn. I saw my aunt as she was and pictured her as my mother. I missed her so very much. Because i began to wonder what she'd say to me whenever i felt horrible. She seemed to be my only source of light. Yesterday, when it struck me that it was over with me losing 9 2 , i felt a thumping drive in my heart. I didn totally deserve to lose because i might have played better. But the fact remained i couldn play for whatever reason and that i lost. The score might not have suggested how intense the game was but anyhow i felt horrrible. The feeling of losing was different from any other type of loss.

As i hugged my aunt, i felt her hair like i'd feel my mother's, and i hugged her rooted to the ground, it really occured to me how much i missed her. I turned to my aunt when i got home because somehow i felt so alone by my loss, ridiculous as it seemed, i din lose to my opponent, i lost to myself. She saw me and teared with me, describing that she saw pain in my forlorn eyes. We cried together that night as i came to realise how much i had missed my mother all to the fact of me losing a game that seemed so ever important.

This song seems to describe how i feel, its tempo and its emotion, seems to bring out whatever pain im trying to convey.

When i stood there on court, i could not describe the feeling. I lost myself, i was blank for the next few hours and then i was lookinf for a source of consolation and i could only think of my mother who had gone. I was lost in the game but also in myself. I could not seem to remember that my mother was not present anymore. I didn know what i was thinking buti felt so very dejected. I felt lousy for ignoring my friends who had come to watch me but i couldn help how i felt.

My aunt said i showed tears of not a boy but of a man because she seemed to see my mother in me. Losing the game somehow combined so many feelings together into one and it was hard to contain. I appreciate the concern around me . i will be away out of town for the next few days, will be in kl to get things off my mind hopefully. Will be back with mroe entries soon. Take care all

Pulling out?

So here i stand before you writing one nervous entry about how im feeling. About a year and a half back, i held the racket for the first time, stepped on the courts and started playing like an amateur. Almost 3 to 4 times a week, 3 rackets, hundreds of balls, countless perspiration and effort, my open is here. My open is tomorrow. Tennis was the one thing that did not only test myself to overcome tactic with technique but to also overcome myself and not be impatient. Now, i actually face the prospect of going into courts tomorrow at 11am and exiting as either a loser or winner. Either way, i hope to take something from it.

Days back, i reopend one blister only to burst one and let another one form. I just came back from downstairs as itried to serve. I couldn last ten minutes. A huge blow that dealt, i do not know how else to vent my frustration but here on this blog. I have yet to make a decision to pull out. But i know at 11am to 12pm tomorrow morning, it will be the most important juncture of my tennis experience thus far. My "compatriot" Wenhao, eased through the first round with a clear thrashing over his opponent, i had gone through the first round throuhg a walk over and face an unknown wild card in my next game tomorrow.

I have never wanted to talk about myself on my blog but here i am expressing the fears i have in my heart and the tension thats all around me. Im not afraid of losing the game, but im afraid of losing myself, im afraid of giving up and letting the ball fly past me. point by point. I am no professional, nor am i an ace player, but i think it takes alot of effort to go running round courts just to earn that one point. Its not a battle of whose stronger , but a game of will and brain. And for the first time in my life, im actually afraid of going into competition.

I know my strokes will not be a 100% tomorrow but i do know my legs will run as long as i can carry them. I try to stifle my fear but the expression gives way. If its said that praying really helps, then if ur really up there, i wish i had a new pair of hands.

Yes people, this whole entry is of tomorrow and of me. My hands wont allow me to play and its a great blow that i must contemplate pulling out of the open. Ever felt something such a pity? That you knew something good might coming but things just dont go as planned somehow? In my shoes, what would your decision be. I have no answer. I cant last ten minutes how am i to last nine sets. Anyhow, wish me luck.

Enjoy.

My diary: At age 70

The sun shone brightly as i lay on my bed feeling all tired as if my time was up.But hell, i couldn't care less. The pain hit me so bad as i tried to reach out for my cup of water that seemed miles away. The back was killing me as usual despite my heroics in my army days. Then , even ten girls couldn hold me down if you know what i mean. I think it was 6am with the sky showing its most beautiful colours.

I couldn help but wonder when i could go out again and have the best lunches at the best hotels with the best friends, or dancing around with my wife playing to our golden oldies together. But then i realised, at age 70, my wife was dead and myf riends, long gone before me. I sat on my rocking chair sipping on my lukewarm water in my ever comfortable pyjamas wondering, what more can life have installed for me?

I looked back to my past and saw the mistakes i made, and wonder how life could have been different, but at age 70, how else does it matter anymore? My son's career as some sales promoter made me tense about his future. He comes visit me once in a while, but at age 70, Why would i care? No, istarted worrying who was going to get me out of the toilet bowl if i was stuck, or worst how was i going to play my tracks on the player if my back and legs were killing me?But then again, at age 70, how much longer did i have?

Retirement from my job seemed decades ago, my savings in abundance but with no use at all.
I was worried for my only son , who could not seem to get his career going. I couldn wait to see my wife again and meet the big man. Yet at age 70, what more could i do?

I sat there at 70 thinking about how i felt when i was 20 about how i would feel when i was 70. I really laughed off it. I paced slowly to my doorstep as i saw no newspaper at my doorstep. I saw kids running back home and i saw working people heading home as well. I ahd lost track of time to an extent whereby i could not seem to see night from day. I was sleepy and i dozed back into sleep.

I never realised that i actually never go tto wake up after that.


What goes through the minds of one that gets old? Or how will things settle in the long run? Do we really lose track of time or do we simply dont give a flying fuck about anything in life at all anymore?

Enjoy.

Reunions and Family

Recently, i had a reunion with my secondary school classmates. It was a nice gathering except for the fact that there were a few missing people. I was elated to see the familiar faces, our teachers and of course the familiar voices. All was well.

As the group got together, we made so much noise ,did the craziest and maybe the most lame things, but even so, we were a group. It was a reunion, no matter who did what we had placed no judgement nor disgust, because of the fact we were very good friends and we knew each other as we were. Weeks before, i was involved in a church performance with my friend, At Glad Tidings. Indeed if all of you follow my entries dating back from last year, i have my doubts about God. Im no atheist, i believe he is around but lets jus say im agnostic. Probably, God is no fan of mine or too busy to get to know me. ( but hey, no rush , i'll meet him someday)

As we sit there for maybe 2 hours or so watching all the performances, i saw reunion in them as well. I saw, family. In spite of differences, of people that felt inferior or afriad to try, the people pushed them on, they laughed together and they rejoiced together. Indeed, i was no believer of christ just as yet, but what i saw was family. While my friends and i stared at each other when different performances started because we were either too nervous or busy trying to critique the groups be it good ir bad, others sat there, leaving no judgement and clapping their effort at the end of its realm.

I saw that they were family, as such my friends at the reunion. We passed no judgement of anyone. They treated everyone as the same with no objection. Yet there was no difference between what we believed in or who we were. Whether we were christians or buddhist, free tinkers or muslims, we were friends. Through family, we were suddenly unified because we saw nothing wrong, or rather, we ignored the imperfections and looked at what was there.

Friends are such a co existing unification that happens regardless of anything in the world.I admit i did have my reservations on that but after my meeting with some old friends and the way of support at Glad tidings, i guess i have been reviewed on this perspective.