Saturday, December 20, 2008
Fall for myself.
The rain fell mercilessly on the ground as I gazed out to the window. It wasn’t heavy, it wasn’t light either. It just seemed, never to stop. It was the kind where you couldn’t really see rain until you heard the pitter and the patter as it hit the ground. The cars that passed by every two seconds made the rain ever more present. The breeze that went through the grills of my window sent their greetings of course. However, it was the day, that sat me down as I gazed out. Mallow skies, colored apartments and hotels that seemed to be all of the same color in one fell swoop; a dull pale yellow, an overcast sky if you like.
If I looked carefully, I could see what was on the television in the unit of the apartment opposite mine.
And if I zoomed out of that focus, I could see the colors of the clothes hung out by forgetful or probable sleeping neighbors. When was the last time I would pay attention to these details and take time to appreciate my surroundings. I could not recall. When was the last time I headed out to fool around or get drunk with my blokes, catch a decent movie or make out in the sea of my blankets with God knows who. Every damn day, I’ll tell you that much.
Am I having one of my epiphanic moments you ask. Why, no. I’m merely learning to fall for myself.
I would sit myself down and call the people that mattered. Send an email to my father who was somewhere in Europe, enjoying the fruits of his labor. I would take a decent shave and sink my anatomy in a nice warm bubble bath. Get dressed decently in case a guest might stop by. Audrey Hepburn would sing to me as I fed on glamorized alcohol that people deemed as wine, smiling, to Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Paying the bills, going for a run and cleaning up the house would be next. Working on my long due assignments would come at long last, as I sat down, enjoyably to wine and to delve in the passion of my work.
If I looked carefully, I could see what was on the television in the unit of the apartment opposite mine.
The news was on. But yet I wasn’t so sure. The rain got heavier, makings its presence much more seen and heard. I couldn’t afford to confirm my affirmations. I had assignments to do, my grandmother to call and my dad to email. I had Bills to pay and my long awaited bubble bath. Photographs of my surroundings to be taken. My self promised runs and household chores. But all that could wait. For now the rain had invited me to bed, once again. The ever enticing bed made an offer simply too ard to resist. But I promise, I will be ascetic to my tasks later. Please, please, let me get what I want.
Sleep.
Goodnight.
Later.
12/20/2008 06:01:00 PM
Thursday, December 18, 2008
When We met Why.
My Auntie walked in today to my room. It was a normal walk in like the usual days, with the usual questions.
" what did you eat? "
" who cooked? "
" are you hungry "
But then she paused for a while, looked at me and said.
" I bought 5721 last week cause your mother was born on the 21st, so this week i changed to 5751 because your mother was born in 1951. But why did 5721 come out this week. Darling why."
Why she asks.
After sharing so many similar encounters with 4 numbers, she asks, why.
Then it hit me. We ask why. We ask questions because at every point in time we feel the need to ask. Why.
Just two days ago I was with someone that was smiling out and out. It was supposed to be a happy day. But it ended in tears when the crowd was less, when the night had begun to consume all that happiness that was pushing her on the whole day. She had fallen out of love and in the midst of it all she asked me, "Why me."
She said, "So painful."
We all have our loves in life. As Wikipedia has kindly noted out to me. It would seem that perhaps love, is an underrated term to most. Or rather, a term that's used far less than its original nature of versatility. Romance. That to most, love is romance. When in fact love could be a want to gain fame, a want to be rich, or a love for an object rather a human being. It could be romance, yet it could be love of a more greater nature. Family. But let us not go too far out now.
Perhaps, it is likely to you that through the nature of this blog, I will go to and stop at romance. You are right even though I started out the entry with my auntie's questions as to why her wants to get a little richer were not satisfied. She had not set out to earn a million, or spend it on clothes. She had wanted that bit of money, to give to those she loved because she is if i may, the most wonderful woman any son could have.
But why she asks. Why we ask. Our inquisitive nature never seems to stop it seems. One day I had been talking to a friend who asked me if i had a girlfriend of which i replied, "No." I asked him. What about you. His response?
"for what."
I'd like to add. He isn't a bad looking guy. He isn't poor at all and in nowhere near the areas of stupid. He's a smart lad just finding his own way in life. His response was tantamount to a why. But it led me to ask myself the exact same question. For what. And if we need love. Why.
You might think that every word, every term that you cannot understand, can be explained to you with the use of the net, the dictionary or a very smart man. Perhaps for most things in life, that is true. But there is one thing a dictionary will fail to explain not because of its incapabilities but because of the magnanimity of the word. I have come to realize that perhaps love is the only word that belongs to everyone. Like how everyone has hair but styles it differently. It's the same with love. I think after some time or in the past 2 hours or so that i have struggled to finish this post, i have somehow within me found a compromise. That perhaps love shouldn't be one way or the other. That perhaps to each his own, is more than akin to love itself.
But here is my deepest contradiction.
To me, love is not about the best girlfriend/boyfriend you can be. It's not necessarily how nice you make yourself look for your other half or giving and taking. It's about finding someone that you can talk to. someone that you can believe in because she'd believe in you or at the very least, know what you're believing in and why. That person should be someone that clicks with you without a catalyst or better yet with a catalyst makes the most wonderful of companions. That to me, is love. Might she be my best friend you ask. Might she be just someone that i can talk to and not be with you ask.
You just might be right but one day when that question is asked to me. Why are you with her. I want my answer to be.
" She's my best friend. She's my girlfriend. But most of all, she's someone i can talk to about anything, anytime. She understands me and i see her not as my friend, my girlfriend or my wife when i think about her. Even though she may be one of those things or all. I think of her and all i see, is beauty."
I've come to a point where i can respect the differing views on love in the space of 4 hours. Its amazing because the past few weeks have been spent pondering about why people view it as this way. I sought to wonder if maybe i was the one looking at things wrongly. For someone that never took longer than 2 hours to write up a post, take it from me. I have carefully considered every word. An epiphany in 4 hours owing to staring into spaces and words is a mighty nirvana.
"I thought she was cute. The feeling is just there."
"I can learn to love you more, bit by bit, day by day."
"I dont know. It just happened."
"He was nice. He never gave up."
These are reasons I probably would have never accepted 4 hours ago. For some reason i had chosen to believe that this was all too shallow. But maybe i have learnt to accept that this is, a way of love. Yet my deepest contradiction is yet to be accounted for. I would love to have someone to talk to, anytime about anything. I would love to have someone i see as beautiful to talk to. Yes i would need it. "for what" my friend would ask.
The same thing I would ask to the person that found someone cute or just loved the idea of holding his/her hand, embracing him/her, or was just wooing this person for the sake of a feeling unable to be explained for. "for what." Is it necessary?
I guess my answers revolve around an area of gray. I do not know. I guess there's no place or time for love. A few hours ago I wondered if its necessary. Why do people go running for love at 16 or 60? Is it just a trend to have one, a feel to have one, or a desperate need? Is it spontaneous, or somewhat planned? nice when he/shes with you, or nice when you saw him/her? My answer is that because each of us have such a different attitude towards love, our reasons for wanting them are indefinitely different. And because i say to each his own, it will forever be a right. Something we must not question. We should not question. Things happen for a reason. But take this with you. As a friend had too once told me.
"It's someone you can live with. Not someone you can live without, because if it's someone you cannot live without, then you have no life. Then you have not lived."
Because love is not your life. Because love forms part of your life. Because love makes your life better. because it shouldn't harm you. He/she has to be someone you can live with, not someone you cannot live without.
Why you ask. Why we need love.
I say. Why not.
12/18/2008 04:19:00 AM
Monday, December 15, 2008
Life gets you in a funny way.
Not too long ago, I had a plan. A plan that was flawless and seemingly without pitfall. I took no such things as surprises or life visits to deal my plans any blows or thwarted direction. I guess that is when life got me. In a funny way. My father used to say that when you're sitting pretty, always think of danger. When you're in deep shit, think of deeper shit. Yes i guess you could say my father was a man of caution. Whether or not that benefited him is another story to tell on another day. Yes because this is my story.
How do I start. I guess most times, we have this feeling about something that's mostly based on what people say. You tend to trust the people that have been there and done that. Though each experience of each individual may differ, you can't help but accept the general overview. That perhaps, it does suck. As much as you perk yourself up with the many movies, the countdown thats brought down to make it seem ever nearer, you probably can't help but, well like i said, accept the general overview. I guess that is the mindset that i went in with that morning at tekong ferry terminal. Most of the time, I guess its innate to feel that bit of freedom lost to the country when you enlist. It's a sucky feeling really, not much to lie about. That's how i started my life in army. Making full use of the suckiness to make my life a little more enjoyable.
You see i never planned to be in the PES C batch. I despised the thought, despised the term and for a long time, never learnt to respect the people in it. With. Or without excuse. Yet when it was deemed that my problems were a tad too serious for "suay" or sebei suay" to handle and a bright C was written next to my pes status. It dawned on me. KAR-fuckin-MA. My dreams of getting into command school, my thoughts of maybe one day being in the position to tell people that, you can do it, were gone that very morning. But back to the story, let's just say the road along that 7 weeks was a rough, nice, funny yet most enlightening experience that i find almost hard to forget. They say when you're in camp, you'll find it easy to see, who are the most steady ones, or in a more literal sense, the ones you can rely on. For the camp I had been in , it was more of the opposite, i saw with my own eyes how selfish people could get, and the lengths they would go to escape any kind of activity or in this modern age what we call as "geng".
In case most of you didn't already know, you're not supposed to speak of the army. But let me say this. The road will be tough. Pes C or PEs A, you will find the difficulties and trust me on most levels, you will find them to be sometimes, almost the same. You will complain, you will hate. You will be full of angst, and you will be unhappy. But at the end of it all, you'll look back like I am right now as Im typing this out while looking out to the window. And you will say the sweetest phrase.
" That was kick-ass."
To the mates from Viper Company, We went as far as we could. Perhaps we're the only ones to know that. But self knowledge is better than no knowledge.
12/15/2008 03:10:00 AM
Saturday, December 13, 2008
This is a story about a boy, about a boy who said that this was somehow his last treat, his last write, his last piece. His swan song if you may. Ironically just 5 months on and the former is disregarded as a moment of folly, a rash decision, the usual season for mistakes if you may.
Yet what you may ask, is so special about tonight that he begins his usual rant, his expression of ways to be yet again, nom de plume?
Fate hits you in a way that you find hard to accept, sometimes hard to explain he says. To him, he thought his life was planned in a way that people could ideally accept and agree with. He was right. It was logical, with all the foreseen blind spots and pitfalls. But yet life had different plans for him when fate hit him with a new status, and a new entry. A re-entry if you may.
Tonight he is at a loss for words. Perhaps that is why I am referring to him as he, a boy, his and what have you. Know this he says. He will write. For reasons that he does not know yet, he will write a lot more than he used to. Perhaps this is a time for change, perhaps things should never have changed but most likely he says, it is a season for change.
Tomorrow he says, for now we sleep.
12/13/2008 04:18:00 AM
