March 13 2005
2:28am

If Ur Really Out There

There are certain things that seem to be so beautiful and stay that way for such a long time. It maes you feel like there is no exception, no someone else, no other thing that utshines that certain something. It seems like a novelty but yet with time, a sense of boredom creeps in. Deceit creeps in. Is it someones fault that he or she is willling to forget or think that a certain something was not as beautiful as he thought?

Whats good can never be kept for eternity. Yet what seems to last for eternity may be perfect, but not as perfect as something else out there. If that sense of purity and beauty is out there, if ur really out there, i'd rather believe that nooone could possiblly see through today, tomorrow and eternity? Promises are but just words of slack, but just words of empty assurance. Could it be that some people take forever to find what they want and find that its never gonna be there? Or is it just out there for you to find , be it being right in front of you or not being there at all? We find love in family, family in friends and yet eventually foe in friend. Each one has their different side that seems to be the contradicting factor. If ur really out there, i really wish it was right in front of me. Certain things, when they come, you dunno if its yours and you dunno when its coming. Sometimes, you dont even know it came. Yet at the end of the day, you realise that it was right infront of you for once. And at that moment you figure how everything pieces together.

The thing is, by the time you find out , you would have had something else or it would have been too late. Thats just the way it is. If it was really out there, i would love to grab hold of it, even for just a second.because you know the very next second doesn matter anymore even if it was armageddon. The main point is you and that something was there together and at least life, was perfect for that short moment.

Readers, it seems complicated but i just wrote this in a certain spur of curiousity and experience. It very simple. Often we find a certain emptiness in us and it mmakes us feel, feel worthless. But i culd say this. That moment exists every single time without you knowing it. That emptiness can never be voided, nor can it be replaced because life is intended that way. For you to realise you could have done this instead of that. Its not about mistakes and choices. Its just how it is, you cant change it. When you feeel that wholeness in you, that was the very time , the very important moment , in which the next second wouldn matter even if it was armageddon.

Enjoy

March 6 2005
7:52pm

Of Reality


It was back in 2000 when i took my PSLE and awaited anxiously for the coming results. The audible footsteps of my teacher then left me sulking to wonder how deep i had sunk in terms of my results. No miracle was to happen and i was left to face my parents with guilt as i disapponited time and time again with my foolish ways.

It is five years later. Now, year 2005 that i have once again experienced trauma and the same unwillingness to walk up and take that slip of paper that almost seemed to decide my future. I witnessed the people around me, the atmosphere, the tears, the joy , the priceless expressions , the things they resorted to just relieve themselves. Many prayed to the man in charge up there and some did well, some did great, and of course there were some that just did horrible. Some recalled their time sitting in class paying careful attention so as to remind themsleves of their effort, others simply played to keep and hold what was theirs for only a few months. It was on that day, February 28 that i saw, how reality was and what new phases it would bring about, regardless of whether you did great or horrible. It is reality then, there for you to accept even if you were reluctant to .

This was reality. People turned to other things to solve their curiousity, to settle their disbelief. Everyone seemed to be fine but yet at the back of their mind was a burning feeling inside of them, to know what was going to hapen to them next.2000, i looked at my mother for the first time wth a tear down my eye, and i told her i was sorry . this year i went upon to her grave and i told her i was sorry that i couldn let her live long enough to see what it was like for me to come through such a long long obstacle.

The new phases come up towards me one by one, in faster motion at every one time. reality helps to forget and yet helps you to recall. It does not make you feel better nor worst. It does not give you a clear image of whether an object is black or white. Reality is there for you to forget the past and face the future. Deaths are a past but living and building more to live is a reality and a phase.


To those that have faced reality, Cheers.