It is the 31st of december, the last day of the year 2006.

I hope that everyone makes a new start. Sometimes it may seem as if the year is the same or just another year, yet it essential that it is in fact, afterall a new year. A new january february and what have you.

Do something different, if not do the same thing, but try harder.

Freedom has been granted, whats left is how and what we make of it.

Happy new year.

Thoughts of a non believer

If you miss the train Im on, you will know that I am gone.

Often enough, we feel the need to run away. Or we feel the want to run away. We wish that everything will go away just so we can feel better or forget easily. If that were possible, we’d all be ungrateful beings, fast forwarding our lives to whatever is pleasant and forgetting the unpleasant with a swipe. Fortunately, if I may say that is not possible, we go through our lives second by second, with no forgetting or fast forwarding or in some cases, rewinding. That probably contributes to how we age, or how fast we age. It definitely contributes to who we become. We call that maturity.

Most of us live through life having to go through it because of where we are. Some of us have the chance to go elsewhere and start anew. Sometimes, it is inevitable to want to be born in another time, at another place with another family. At least it is so for my case.

A little community in a little town works at times. Its less complicated. But yet this no longer is an issue of running away or starting anew, it is the courage to leave a place this dear and on to a place that really suits you.

Au revoir.

You can hear the whistle blow, a hundred miles.

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small , like when we do a bad thing, for a good reason. Some are bigger, like when we let down a friend. Some of us escape the pangs of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret, because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past. And sometimes we bury our regret, by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did... but the things we didn't do. The things we didn't say that could save someone we care about.

So if anything at all, i think this christmas is apt to take it all in our stride and look ahead. It is a known fact that we all cannot turn time. I believe that everyone of us can though, change. One man can make a difference to life and nothing is too late. It is not here that you question who to believe in or whether to believe in me or a higher power. It is here that we begin by believing in you.

My name is Choy Seng Joe, though i might have preferred Ryan because of how much simpler it is to call. I live in a little place known as the lion city. More specifically i live in a litle place people call the red light district. Vividly we all have impressions of a place, and i can pretty much picture the kind of impression you're having right this moment. But believe me if you take a walk down, you are gonna see prostitutes and old men prying their eyes on them. You will see people of all colors and you will see a living. Maybe they look differnt and do things that are vastly different, but everyone of us has a little bit of something thats similar. Take a closer look. Because wehumans aren as enigmatic as we deem, we're just self creating enigmas that do not exist of ourselves. We are in fact, similar in some ways, jus yearning to receive a helping hand.

There comes a day when we all feel lost, distraught and near the brink of giving up. We have teenage suicides, gun shots within a class, children dying from gunfire or a fight among themselves.

That is all not supposed to happen.

These kids, pretty much like you and i, have schools to attend, grades to attain and expectations to live up to. And then there are those, that are constantly made fun of, that evenmight have wished their existence would be of no importance to the students in a school just so they would not be disturbed. And when these students are pushed to a corner where they cannot take that anymore, action equals reaction.

That is all not supposed to happen.

Parents grieve, and adults flare beacuse they've been there, they'v ebeen kids before, they know the bullies, the prejudice and what have you but it is because they got through it and their sons or daughters did not that cause them to grieve. We are all supposed to get past it.

Nothing is worth taking a life. Because life has much installed for us. We are supposed to get by
all of it because theres a silver lining for all of us. We are supposed to get by the loss of a loved one, thebreakups, the bad grades, or even the fat moments. It is a process that we all go through. UNfortunately, not all make it. But take your time. A new year is still in the making.

Secrets and its lovers.

EVery human being is bound by something. By choice, by situation, by a person and of course by an event that enfolds into a secret. That secret sometimes is not ours to keep or disown. It is then of course needless to say that it is not our say to divulge or not. Honesty is a very very lonely word and its not because the whole world is evil trust me on that. Ive been through a life of secrets that i cannot divulge and the thing about secrets is that one thing leads to another. If youdecide to say one, you're gonna haveto say itall without feeling the tension or guilt that you wentback on your word to another someone or family member. If you decide to not say at all, thenkeep it at that and make sure nothing badhappens so you have to divulge it. But the worst, the worst of all is when you say a few and you leave out some because the people stop believing who you are. They arent even clear about who you really are at all. At that point in time, it is nobodys fault. Fault lies with timing. But at the point when that happens, take comfort inthe fact that the truth will cometo light and they will know eventually. Or some for some cases, they never know at all, but still, take comfort.

THe biggestthingabout having secrets or being born into a family of secrets is the things you lose because of these secrets. Sometimes, too much mystery is not healthy at all because it helpspeople to change how they lookatyou. Be it good or bad, funny or not, it is an ongoing process at thisvery minute that im typing all this. And yet it is nobodys fault.

I'm born into a family, a world of secrets. Im born into situations that i thought i would never face but i had to anyway. I wouldn say i did great because i screwed up at some points, and ilost some people along the way. But its just i'd say. I have done my part in keeping the secrets begun by people before me. I have done my part in being the man who i believe to be. And it is here before every single being that i say, the secrets and its lovers are to bejudged. We all are. But to judge is not a sin, an err, or a bad deed. It is a nature.

Yet love is surreal, sparked by the smallest of incidents. Some of it starts off like alittlefire and goes on burning for eternity. Some, start off big and goes off in a minute or under. And then there arethose, that light up in the most sporadic of moments trying to light up everytime they can. I feel theinsulator behind this spark are the secrets andits lovers. Because we leave out too much of what we feel and we dont care to say it out. Because we take an extinguisher when the fire is already out or hasalready burnt things down. Or sometimes, we have things to say but cant say it out because we are bound; bound by the secrets and its lovers.
Then again, it is better to be late than never. Clearance is a mighty feeling. It is the sort of departure that leaves serenity in all that we do and feel.

Sometimes, it is not about owning what makes you happy. It is about seeing what makes you happy. I guess what i'm saying here is that we live our lives feeling sorry for ourselves about how we could have said this, how we could have said that. The thing is we're not dead yet. You me we're stillwalking this planet. Honesty has no punctuality. So take your time. It takes a great deal to be honest. It takes a greater deal when you're late. Many of us, we feel bad about the things we do, we feel bad when things that we cannot control hurt the people around us but yet there is not much one can do about it. Because all of you need to understand that at one point in time, they will hate you, they will loathe you but not for eternity because hate is too heavy to carry. I 've hated people, hated faith, hated whats dead, hated the secrets im bound by because of ego, money, status, and love. But the thing is you realize you get so tired htinking about it you just stop hating it.

I believe that all of us, want something. But that want, is not determined by possession and ownership. I know that. I realize that. If something i want can be mine, i am content. If something i want cant be mine but is or may be better off away, i am even more content because by paying that notion forward, others learn as well and you let others shine by accident as well. It is good because we dont know, all of us dont know how high we can climb or how great we really are. Everyone of us, has goodness. I was very sour when my mother left. i was very sour when my sister migrated and there are many things im sour about. But i know they're happy. I know you are happy so i am too. It no longer matters what happens here on out, because i know they will find their way. It is no enigma because we in fact are connected somehow, spiritually, technologically or even emotionally.

I thought i knew alot about love, that i was mature. Actually i dont. I blame the fact that my mother is gone still. I sometimes blame the fact my sister migrated. I blame the fact that i went to church. Ieven blame the fact that i decided to play soccer and then skip to tennis and go back forth, unable to make ends meet and nearly going to the brink of losing the both of them. Love sometimes is conditioned by secrets. Everybody has secrets. And that secret doesn even have to mean bad. A secret can exemplify how much you love aperson but because you dont say it, you dont show it or you cant show it, you cant say it because you are bound, it thenbecomes a secret on its own and the other secrets or the other feelings you contain, or even what might have been if you did say it then becomes its lover.

In this christmas season, we have love, warmth and gifts. Everyone has one trust me. But the truth is its not about what you have, its about what you can give so the world can feel the spirit. It is about realizing what everybody has. Love. And love even then, is not about owning. Its about feeling. People must make mistakes. We must. Because the firsttime we have something, we have no fuckingclue how important it is. When we lose it, we know a great dela and we then mature. If we are lucky, we get it back. If we're not, we take comfort in our progress and make thenext one better. Im no philiosopher or a guru, neither am i a flirt, a liar, a nice guy, a gentleman or an athlete. Im an 18 year old student that loves to write, that loves to sing, that loves to run around be crazy. But im like you,in that we have secrets. THings we dont say because we forgot or we din realize was important or agian, things we couldn say.

If it was ever my choice to recreate this world, this would still be it. Without loss and complexity, there is no understanding of love. I know what my loving is about. And i know its christmas. So think not about getting something in return, do give. Because it is helping people realize what they have, that you realize who you are.

Im 18 years old, coming nineteen and im already satisfied with who iam despite the fucking trialsin my life that werent even my mess. Im not glad but im satisfied and im excited to know the kind of guy i can be and will be. So cheers mates, the secrets and its lovers dont haunt you. THey just help you to understand who you are because really sometimes, even the truth has its timetable. wait, be patient and it will all come to a clearance.


Do remember to feel and try to see
what others see and feel for we all have different lives.
Let the pain come because desolation goes away once you
are ready.
It is then that consolation comes. Embrace everything because its the season of giving.



For you. I see nothing but a distinct gift to this season.
And all i can say to you, is that the only thing that is certain in life is that we will all die.

The world cannot wait for you. But someone will. Take comfort in that.

Happy Christmas people. Embrace.
Grant me immortality.
So i may always be here for another season.

Au Revoir.

I think an estranged summary to sum up my days would be strange and beautiful. Like what i was telling a friend on the phone, the essence of having something that was herebefore you is an experience that allows you to soar beyond what you think you can do which truly is an enlightenment but anyway Having found the love of my life and liverpool coming through 4-0 winners last night, my day was complete.

You. I din expect to see you since primary school but im glad we met up. Hope all works out for you with ur results and all.

This is new for me because im actually writing about myself. But i guess giving myself a little bit of pampering wont hurt.

Funny thing is, how little i am able to write about myself.

To the people yet to hit army or an impending commitment,

It is not how good you are, but how good you want to be.

I’ve been constantly giving myself excuse and reason to run away.

I’ve been telling myself everything is going to be all right when I’ve done nothing.

So perhaps it’s about time everything has a resolution, a denouement. A revelation.

I need to get up and get what’s mine.

I need to get up and get myself signed up for driving because there actually is a car waiting for me.

I need to get up because I may or may not have enough time.

I need to quit feeling restricted because we all are.

Until we die, then are we free.

I need to stop thinking I owe the whole world a living.

I need to stop thinking that i'm an ass to be with.

I need to start believing i am a new person in my own new chapter.

In fact, I need to start being me for what I have because I am that damn good at some things.

But then again,

It is not how good you are, but how good you want to be.

So to those who have found a purpose, Cheers.

To those that haven’t, Good luck.

To those that haven’t a clue to what I’m saying, Merry Christmas.

(And I really hope you have a blessed year)

We don’t run because we have to, we run because the path is straight and never-ending. We run because we forget there’s time to rest, that there’s still a greener side. If we wait long enough.